Why ?

“Why ?” is a question I ask myself A LOT. Typically, I ask that question in my own head instead of out loud which I’m sure is appreciated by the general public (Nobody wants a middle aged man to walk around asking “why ???” like a toddler). Asking why can be healthy and empowering. Asking “why?” of another person tells them we care about what they do or say and their intentions behind it. Asking “why?” to our local community leaders and government shows engagement with the city we live in.

To me, the most important “why ?” questions are the ones we ask ourselves - “Why did I do that ?” “Why can’t I can’t get over this ?” “Why am I the way I am ? “. All important questions and the answers matter. So why do so many of us answer with negativity towards ourselves ?

The negative self-talk can originate from a multitude of places - shame, fear, self-loathing, depression, learned behaviors, etc. If we don’t address the events, ideas, memories that are creating this negative attitude towards ourselves, we continue the cycle of feeling bad about ourselves every time we ask “why?”. Sometimes we ask ourselves “why?” just so we can remind ourselves of how negative we should feel about ourselves.

Now consider a different response to the question of “why?” - Consider taking a moment to remind yourself that things that happen in life are not personal. Life is not creating events to punish you or to teach you a lesson. Life is just happening. Consider nudging yourself away from negative responses to just a simple curiosity - “That’s interesting - I wonder why that memory pops up when I’m feeling this way” or “This seems to happen every Sunday when I have a big presentation due the next week”. By shifting our focus from answering the question to just observing that we’re asking it will change our inner dialog over time with practice. Awareness is the answer, not negative self-talk. Once we examine how we’re feeling in the moment rather than trying to quickly respond in our usual negative way, we get to the root of what’s causing the negative self-talk and it can be addressed.

Keep asking “why ?” , it’s an important question if we want to understand ourselves and the world we live in. But try to do it from a place of objective, child-like curiosity and wonder, not from a place of tearing yourself down.